THE JOURNAL

A COMPASS COULDN’T GUIDE ME HOME EVEN IF IT WANTED TO, CAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO GO FROM HERE.

I’M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE THERE’S NO WAY OUT TO THE WAY I AM AND THAT I CAN’T BE THE MAN I WANT. I SAY THINGS LIKE: I WANT A WIFE. I WANT KIDS. GOODS FRIENDS. BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOOD ANYMORE SO I WAIT FOR LIFE TO HAND ME LEMONS. I COULD NEVER GIVE UP ON THIS JOURNEY AND I NEVER WILL, NOT TILL MY HEART GIVES OUT. I SIMPLY WISH THAT IT WERE EASIER TO CROSS THROUGH.

SCHOOL HAS BEEN PUTTING A TIGHT LEASH ON MY POCKET AND MY FINANCES HAVE SUNK DOWN TO THE PITS OF HELL. I’M LOSING GRIP ON MY WALK WITH GOD, THOUGH I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH EVEN IF I FEEL LIKE I’M NOT WORTHY OF HIS LOVE. I’VE GOT CHURCH TOMORROW, BUT I CAN’T SEEM TO STAND MOST OF THE PEOPLE IN THERE. I’VE NEVER THOUGHT THIS CRUEL ABOUT OTHERS BECAUSE I LOVE PEOPLE AND HAVE VERY FEW ENEMIES. THE TRUTH IS THAT THERE IS NO ONE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I GO THROUGH EVERYDAY AND EVEN IF THERE ARE, THEY’LL THINK WHAT OTHERS THINK AND IT MAKES ME SICK HEARING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT “COMING OUT OF A CLOSET”.

ALSO, I MIGHT’VE LOST A FRIEND IN THIS GUY NAMED “TY”. WE HAVEN’T SPOKEN IN SUCH A LONG TIME AND THAT’S MOSTLY BECAUSE I CAN’T STAND TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHOSE EGO SURPASSES HIMSELF. I NEED TO REMEMBER THAT WHEN I PUT MYSELF OUT THERE FOR OTHERS, THEY SHOULD AT LEAST HELP ME UP IF I FALL. UNFORTUNATELY, I DID THE WORST THING ANYONE COULD DO AND THREW HIM AWAY, I THINK. SOMETIMES I LOSE FAITH IN HUMANITY’S ABILITY TO CARE, SO I DO THAT… VERY RARELY (FEW ENEMIES, RIGHT).

THIS ENTRY ISN’T ABOUT ME LOSING FAITH. THIS IS MORE LIKE A PINPOINT ON A MAP TO LET MY “FUTURE” SELF KNOW WHERE I WAS STANDING AT THE MOMENT. I’LL LIVE SOME LIFE SOMEDAY AND IT’LL BE THE KIND THAT MY DESCENDANTS WILL HOPEFULLY READ ABOUT. I WILL LIVE OUT AN AMAZING ADVENTURE AND THAT’S GONNA BE THE STORY MY KIDS SWEAR WAS TRUE. MOST OF ALL, I WILL HAVE THE PEOPLE THAT MATTER MOST IN LIFE, CAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE ALL NEED. PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND US AND OUR NEED TO JUST STRIP AWAY THE MESS AND LIVE A JOYFULLY, ABUNDANT LIFE.

DECEMBER 8th 2012: I HOPE TO PASS MY FINAL EXAMS AND TO PASS IN LIFE. THAT’S IT.

IN BED WITH THE LAPTOP ON AND MY WIRELESS HEADPHONES BLASTING THE EPIC SAX GUY SEEMS LIKE THE PERFECT WAY TO CAP OFF ONE HELL OF A WEEK.

I FINALLY KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE PRIORITIES, BUT EVEN MORE, I UNDERSTAND NOW WHY WE ALL HAVE TO PRIORITIZE OUR LIVES. A PLANNER ISN’T JUST ANOTHER BOOK TO BUY AND LET IT COLLECT DUST. AN ALARM ISN’T AN OBJECT CREATED TO HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE YOU REALIZE THAT YOU’VE JUST MISSED YOUR EARLY MORNING RIDE AND THAT YOU’LL INDEFINITELY BE LATE FOR WORK. SOMETIMES, LIFE NEEDS A BIT OF ORDER OR ELSE YOU MIGHT GET LOST IN IT’S FAST TRACKS.

THE FIRST DAY OF UNI WAS, LONELY. HOWEVER, THE SECOND WEEK IS THE BEST TIME TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT. I’M WILLING TO MAKE USE OF MY TIME HERE AND DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO BE ACTIVE AND SOCIAL WHILE AMONGST MY PEERS. WORK IS EQUALLY AS DAUNTING, IF NOT WORSE. LONG STORY SHORT, I LEAVE THE HOUSE AT 7:30 AM AND ENTER IN AT AROUND MIDNIGHT WITH ONLY ABOUT 5 HOURS TO SLEEP. NOT TO MENTION, I’M GETTIN’ IT IN AT THE NEARBY GYM.

WITH ALL OF THIS GOING ON, I’M LEFT WITH THIS PHOTO I POSTED AS MY FACEBOOK PROFILE (BELOW). ON IT IS WRITTEN, ‘IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT IN THE END”. I REALLY PRAY THAT’S THE CASE, ‘CAUSE I’VE BARELY BEGUN AND ALREADY MY TANK IS EMPTY.

JANUARY 6TH, 2012: THIS IS THE DAY THAT I TELL MYSELF THAT I WILL BE EPIC IN THE NEAR FUTURE BECAUSE OF WHAT I’M ACCOMPLISHING RIGHT NOW. AND IF IT’S ALL IN VAIN, MAY GOD SHOOT ME DOWN WITH LIGHTNING, BECAUSE I REFUSE TO THIS SINGULAR LIFE ON THIS 7-BILLION POPULATED PLANET WHERE ONE CAN EASILY DISAPPEAR AMONGST THE CROWD.

SO, AS THE LAST FEW MOMENTS OF THE YEARS WIND DOWN, I FIND MYSELF SITTING IN MY ROOM, ALONE AND FEELING A BIT MELANCHOLIC. I DON’T KNOW WHERE THIS CAME FROM. I FELT I WAS FINE EARLIER TODAY WHEN I CAME BACK FROM AN ALL-NIGHTER GET TOGETHER WITH CLOSE FRIENDS FROM MY YOUTH GROUP, BUT SOMETIMES I WONDER HOW CLOSE TO EVERYONE I REALLY AM.

IF I CAN GATHER MY THOUGHTs FOR 2011 AND PROCESS ALL OF IT, I REALIZE THAT NO PROGRESS WAS MADE TO FULFILL MY INSATIABLE APPETITE FOR A STRONG AND DEEPLY ROOTED BROMANCE. NOW THAT THIS WORD HAS MADE IT INTO WEBSTER’S WHO CAN DENY THAT SUCH A THING EXISTS? I WISH I COULD TELL ALL MY INNER-MOST THOUGHTS TO THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME IN THE BUS, OR THERE DOING PREACHER CURLS, OR THE ONE AT THE BUS STOP. I COULD I TELL THEM AND LISTEN TO THEM TALK TO JUST TO FEEL LIKE I’M NOT THE ONLY INSANE PERSON IN THIS WORLD. I DON’T WANNA FEEL LIKE I’M SO DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE THAT I CAN’T SEEM TO BUILD A PROPER RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. I LITERALLY THINK I SCARE PEOPLE OFF BECAUSE I THINK I COME ON TOO STRONG.

AN HOUR AND A HALF LEFT, AND I HAVE NO MOTIVES NOR PLANS TO GO ANYWHERE. TO BE HONEST, I’VE JUST BEEN WATCHING PORN AND CHECKING VARIOUS STATUS UPDATES. (PORN IS A JOKE. YOU SUBSTITUTE THE  REAL FOR INDUSTRIALIZED AND ARTIFICIALLY MADE CINEMATOGRAPHY. NOTHING IS BETTER THAN EXPERIENCING THE REAL THING. CUPPING BREASTS, SNIFFING LONG HAIR THAT REACHES DOWN TO A ROUND, SILKY SMOOTH BOTTOM, ETC.)

MAYBE FOR 2012 I’LL BE ABLE TO BETTER EXPLAIN JUST THE KIND OF GUY I AM. I KNOW SWEARING OFF LABELS AND IRRELEVANT SELF-DEFINITIONS IS THE GOAL I WANT, BUT IT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO FIND SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS THIS VIEWPOINT. I SHOULD TAKE NOTES ON THE PROCESS OF HOW A WORD BECOMES DEFINED WITHIN A WEBSTER’S DICTIONARY. I KNOW MY PRIMARY AND SOLE DEFINITION IS A “MAN”, BUT WHAT KIND OF MAN AM I? AND WHAT KIND OF FRIENDS SHOULD THIS TYPE OF MAN HAVE? AND WHAT SORT OF GIRL SHOULD THIS MAN COURT?

GOD, WHAT THE HELL AM I?